EATING IS DANGEROUS

My stay with Mohan was quite interesting. There was never a dull moment when he was around. We didn’t paint the town red but almost managed to burn down our apartment. Mohan is one of the most polite persons on earth. Put him with one of the most reckless characters on earth – me – and you get an excellent recipe for disaster. Although, our relationship in the office was quite bumpy, we tried very hard not to bring those indifferences back to home.

Mohan’s ability to innovate in cooking with whatever we had was quite unbelievable. I had to rely wholly on Mohan to have a decent meal when my pockets were empty. My respect for Mohan used to rise as my pockets start draining, which happened to be every weekend. He was the angel who provided me with sumptuous vegetarian food when I couldn’t afford to buy food from the restaurants.

Pressure cooker

Gab presented us with a pressure cooker to facilitate our home cooking. We decided to try it out on a Saturday. On the day, we both came back from office very hungry. We stuffed whatever we could into that small cooker. We put rice, vegetables & grains at the same time, so that we can have our food early. We made a small mistake, which we later realized was not very small. We put the dal in a small container and closed the cooker. We didn’t realize that the container on the top was covering the nozzle through which the pressure is released from the cooker. It took extra-ordinarily long time to cook. We checked the stove to see whether it was all right. The cooker was hot but there was no steam coming out of it. All the while, we had been working with a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode.

The harder we tried; more difficult it was to open the cooker. Then, something unbelievable happened. The cooker exploded with great force. The top of the cooker missed my face by less than an inch. It passed my face like a missile. Then, hot rice, vegetables and other stuff fell on my face. I ran to the washroom, screaming my heads off. I opened a tap and put my face underneath it. Unfortunately, it turned out to be HOT water. There was another round of screaming. Interestingly, Mohan, who was the one who was closer to the cooker, escaped with absolutely no damage

Later, we recuperated and gained enough courage to venture into the kitchen again. What we saw was absolutely amazing. The walls and the ceiling were covered with rice, potato and whatever the cooker contained. There was small dent on the wall, where the top of the cooker had hit. Easily, it could have been my face. We decided to clean up the place. That was the second mistake of the day. We forgot that the stove was an electric stove. We used a garden hose to clean the walls and ceiling. The whole kitchen was in knee-deep water and we saw the sparks flying from the electric stove. We panicked big time. We scampered out of the house & did not return for next 2 hours. We had to skip dinner that day, because we were too stressed out with what happened earlier in the day.

Pickle bottle

Mohan’s sister was in US, in pursuit of a doctorate degree. She sent some curry powder and pickles to Mohan. Unfortunately, Mohan had left to Malaysia. It was as if god wanted only me to enjoy the eatables. I graciously accepted the gift, took it home & stashed it away before anybody could see. That weekend, when David was away, I decided to take my treasure out and taste some. It was midnight & I felt hungry after seeing a couple of movies. I decided to treat myself with some hot food. I took the pickles out of the fridge & found that the cap was very tight. After a struggle, the cap came off in a completely unexpected moment. It splashed all over my face and head. It was just a simple accident but the results were astounding. I thought I had gone blind with chili powder on my face. The face was burning and I felt as if the skin was being peeled off from it. My eyes were burning as if it was ablaze. I was alone, I was afraid, I was blind and I was panicky. I found the washroom after a couple of bumps each on my head, nose, stomach, hands and knees. I felt very vulnerable with nobody to help me out of this misery. I was howling like a dog, a blind one, ran over by a lorry. I stood below the shower and opened the wrong knob again. This was the second time, I was committing the mistake. You guessed it right - it was hot water. The howl got louder.

Next time, I opened the right knob and the howl continued. Well, there was another thing I forgot. I washed off the oil on my face but forgot the oil in my hair. When I stood below the shower, the oil seeped from my hair into my eyes. I wish I could describe the agony in words. If you are really interested to know, I will howl when you meet me in person.

Hotel in Adyar

I was in Adyar, Chennai to attend a friend’s marriage. Our office was nearby and I was in the office for two days continuously, because of which, I had drained my pocket money. I did not realize this. Neither did my cousin Siva, who was also my colleague. We though we’ll go to hotel to eat, before going to the reception. We both ordered for some hot Sambar Vadas (Doughnut shapped Indian delicacy called vada immersed in sauce called sambar). It was very succulent. So, we ordered for some more.

All this while, I had been eating with a notion that my cousin had some money on him. He was thinking the same. So, we both had a hearty meal and when the cheque arrived, we were expecting the other one to pay. It was then we realized our folly. Our stomachs were full but our pockets, empty. We got very nervous and were looking around to find some known faces. I decided to handover my watch to the hotel owner and collect it after we pay the cheque. Siva came up with a brilliant idea. Our colleague’s house was nearby. We stuck a deal that I will be the scapegoat, while he brings some money from my colleague’s house. I didn’t inform the waiter that my friend is going to get money to pay for our food. Instead, I acted as if my friend had gone out for some urgent appointment and as if I was waiting for him. I wanted to add more substance to my acting. So, I ordered for one more plateful of vadas. I had absolutely nothing in my pocket but I had to justify my role. I ordered for a coffee, as well. I did whatever I could do to delay the inevitable. The waiter was becoming impatient and gave me some indications that he was frustrated due to my prolonged presence. I think I put on a really good show. I had no money, but was still ordering more food.

The waiter reached the height of patience and I reached the height of my courage, almost concurrently. It was getting late for the reception & I decided to give myself in - confess to the hotel owner and handover my watch. Just as I reached the counter, Siva appeared from nowhere. I am not sure whether I would have been so happy even if I had seen god. He handed over the money and released me into this free world.

In this case, the food was excellent and should have lingered for a longtime. But, I was not conscious enough to take pleasure from that taste.

Brunei & The Wallet

I was in Brunei to meet a client. Our client was one of the biggest hotels in Asia, owned by Sultan’s brother. I got a chance to travel in his Merc, a custom-built one which was one of the few in the whole world. The dashboard was gold-plated and I was told that even the engine was made of gold. I entered the hotel and was simply blown away by the ambience of the hotel and the display of wealth. The hotel was by the seaside and view was absolutely magnificent. I didn’t know I’d experience one of my worst moments of my life there.

I put my wallet in my computer bag and completely forgot about it. When, I looked for my wallet to pay for food, I thought I’ve lost it. I panicked big-time. I was in a foreign country with not a single cent on me. I looked everywhere except my bag. Then, I decided to lodge a complaint with the hotel authorities. They told me that they would do whatever they can. I skipped 3 meals because I was just too afraid. For some reason, I opened my computer bag and found my wallet in it. I felt very embarrassed. I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the hotel authorities and confess my stupidity. If I go to them and confess, I would become a laughing stock. But, my guilt was killing me. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I went back to the hotel authorities to inform about the wallet. The receptionist gave me a very bad piece of information. As the hotel was very concerned about their reputation, they had called some external investigators to question all those hotel staff who had entered my room. I also came to know that the interrogation was pretty tough.

I came back to my room absolutely dejected. I had not only made myself a laughing stock, but also made others life miserable. All those people who came into my room, with a smiling face, doing their best to make their guest as happy as possible, were questioned ruthlessly because of me. I am just unable to explain about my feelings. I felt depressed and felt like a traitor. I personally visited each one of them to apologize. Some accepted with grace while some didn’t with distress. I had no reason to be upset with those people who didn’t. I was completely at fault and did not hold anyone else responsible for my actions.

In spite of being in one of the biggest hotels in the world, I had to go hungry for almost two days. This time around, the food and the surroundings were great. But, my silly behavior spoilt the food.

Do you have the Balls?

My conviction and loyalty towards the school of vegetarianism were challenged whenever an advertisement about chicken outlets appeared on Television. The questions like “Do you have it in you?” or “Have you got the craving?” poked and pierced my conscience. My self-control was stretched to its limits whenever a juicy piece of meat was ripped off the bone and stuffed into those beautiful lips. The ecstatic screams like “OOH” and “AAH” after eating that piece was just too much to handle. I used to run out of the room whenever a KFC or McDonalds advertisement appeared on television.

One fine day, my conviction and self-control was crushed beyond recognition. I happened to see an advertisement – An absolutely gorgeous young woman stood in front of a chicken outlet. She looked into my eyes and asked, “DO YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO DO IT?” I just couldn’t take anymore of it. I took the question literally & thought I had something to prove to this girl. I went straight to a KFC outlet, brought a 3-piece chicken and finished it in a record time of 3 minutes and 23 seconds. I felt I was answering that girl with my gestures. Every time I ripped the meat off the bone, I felt I was answering the girl in the affirmative.